


Scar Tissue

by akumasama (orphan_account)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AU, Lots of Angst, M/M, PTSD, Rated M for later Chapters, Some fluff too, ereri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2017-12-28 16:08:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/993895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/akumasama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How can you recover from something that makes you who you are?<br/>How does one go about recovering from their past?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Diagnosis

**Author's Note:**

> Ok guys welcome to my fic. I'm not really sure where this is going but I just got this idea for an AU one day and kind of just grabbed it and ran with it. There will probably be quite a bit of angst, so I'm gonna apologize in advance, but there will also be quite a bit of fluff. And smut. Oh yeah. Definitely smut. Im gonna go ahead and rate it M. So just be ready for that.  
> This is my first contribution to the fandom, and I'm pretty pumped so....  
> Let's do this.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is diagnosed.

_Tick..._

_Tock..._

_Tick..._

_Tock..._

_  
_Eren tapped out a rhythm with his fingers, sporadic and out of time with the steady ticking of the grandfather clock in the corner. It was an old, ornate thing, worn and dusty from many years of standing stagnant. He glanced at it from the corner of his eye, allowing himself a full second to be distracted by the swing of its shimmering pendulum, before looking away. He quickly took in his surroundings, eyes flicking down to the frayed oriental pattern that decorated the rug at his feet, then darting to the painted vase resting on the mantel, observing each familiar detail for a fraction of a second before shifting his focus to something else. His nose twitched and registered the thick scent of tea that wafted out of a mug on the table in front of him.

He squeezed the armrest of his cushioned chair tightly, watching the bones in his hand press against the skin and pull it tight. The fabric under is palm was soft, but he didn't find it comforting.  His breath quickened and he bounced his leg on the ball of his foot, trying to assuage his nameless anxiety. 

Finally, his wandering eyes locked onto a mouth. It was surrounded by a thin web of wrinkles and smile lines. Eren hoped that when he got old, his face would have smile lines, and crinkle when he told stories and laughed.

_I'll be lucky if I even have stories to tell, or a reason to laugh._

Suddenly, he realized that the mouth was moving, chapped lips rustling against a thick white mustache. He tuned his brain in just in time to catch the end of a question, "... listening to me?"

"What?"

"I asked if you were listening. I guess not." The lips stretched into a tight, permissive smile.

"Oh... Sorry Dr. Pixis... I guess I zoned out again."

"No need to be sorry, Eren, I know it’s hard for you to keep your mind on one track for very long. That was actually part of what I was just telling your sister."

_Oh yeah. I forgot she was here._ Eren looked over to his right, where his sister was perched on the edge of a large red armchair, like his own. She met his eyes with the worried, motherly gaze that she reserved just for him. It grated on his nerves, the fact that she had to care for him. It was supposed to be the other way around. Ever since her parents had died when they were children, Eren had wanted to be the one to look out for Mikasa. He had wanted to protect her, and was so excited to get the chance when his family adopted her. However, she had soon flipped the roles. She was far more capable and put together than him, despite her traumatic past, and Eren hated it. Every time he had to begrudgingly thank her for saving him from yet another fight. Every time she stood up for him, no matter how wrong he was. Eren hated it.

But mostly, he hated himself. He hated his dependency on his sister. He hated his ungratefulness towards any help from others. He hated getting himself into situations that he couldn’t handle on his own. He hated his utterly average capability to do anything. He hated how he had spiraled even farther down when his mother was killed. He hated not being able to protect the ones he cared about most. He hated not being able to protect himself from his father. He hated being angry at Mikasa for not being able to protect him from his father. He hated his fragility. He hated coming to this stupid office. He hated telling Dr. Pixis about his stupid thoughts and feelings.

He.

Hated.

Everything.

"Eren?"

_Goddamnit. I did it again._ "Sorry, Doctor. Could you repeat that?"

"Before I do, would you mind sparing my chair? You look as though you are about to remove its arms, and I'm rather fond of it."

"Oh! My bad!" Eren's face reddened and he loosened his grip on the armrest immediately, but did not slow his tapping. The old man let out a sigh, giving Eren another irritatingly-sympathetic smile.

"I was just saying that we've come up with some results from our last session, and I think I have a diagnosis for what’s been troubling you."

_“Really_?"Eren almost laughed at the understatement.  _Troubling me? More like unraveling me._ He longed for something as simple as "trouble" to be his problem. No, whatever his issue was, it had completely warped him. He couldn’t even remember the person he used to be, getting a full night’s sleep and interacting with the world around him. 

"Indeed. I do believe you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder."

Eren quirked and eyebrow, slightly confused. "Wait, what? Isn't that for, like, soldiers?"

Pixis shook his head, "Not at all. PTSD is not only a result of war. It can be caused by any event where there is a threat of injury or death to self or others that also involves intense fear, horror, or helplessness," he recited as if from a textbook.

"Oh."  _Well, that definitely applies to my past._

"It would also explain the nightmares and the flashbacks that you've reported being triggered. As well as your avoidance of talking about what happened, or doing anything that might remind you of it. It would especially clarify your frequent inability to remember everything that happened to you, and the constant anxiety and hyperactivity."

"Yeah..."  _I guess I fit the bill perfectly._

"Excuse me, Doctor," Mikasa piped up, "but how do you even treat PTSD?"

"Ah, yes. I was just getting to that. Since there is no clear way to treat it with medications, and I'm worried about drugs negatively affecting Eren's symptoms, I think we'll stay away from that course of action, at least for now. I would like to focus on a more psychological approach. You will definitely continue with your weekly sessions, but I am not the person most suited to deal with PTSD. From now on, you will be having your sessions with a new specialist."

_Wait..._  "You mean, I won't meet with you anymore?"

There it was again, that warm but sad smile, "I'm afraid not. I would love to continue working with you, Eren, but I don’t think I would be able to help you move forward in the way you need to."

"Oh..." Eren didn't really have anything to say. He wasn't overjoyed with the sudden change, but he hadn't been with Dr. Pixis for very long, and he didn't make emotional connections very easily. Still, part of him would miss the old man with his tea, and it would be odd not to spend his Tuesday afternoons listening to the grandfather clock's ticking.

Pixis went on to explain some of the new techniques that would be used to approach Eren's issue. Now that they knew exactly what was "troubling" him, their tactics would be more specialized. "Your new doctor is quite a bit younger than me, but she is one of the best doctors I know, and she will do whatever it takes to help you as best she can. On top of private sessions, she also leads group meetings every week. After reading your file, she and I have come to the agreement that it would be extremely beneficial to your treatment if you attended these as well. We think it might help you with your trust issues if you were exposed to others who have an idea of what you’re going through. Your first meeting will be this upcoming Friday from-"

"Wait!" Eren held up his hands and shook them violently. His breathing had shallowed, and his face was pale white. "Nobody said anything about other people!"  _I can't do other people. Nothing good ever happens when there are other people. People are vile and only exist to hurt me. There's no way I'll talk to other people. I can’t-_

"Eren," Pixis' voice was calm, but firm and commanding, “I need you to take deep breaths, and focus."

Eren closed his eyes and clenched his fists to keep them from shaking. He tried desperately to slow his breathing and began to mentally count in time with the clock.

_Tick._

_Tock._

_Tick._

_Tock._

_One._

_Two._

_Three._

_CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG_

Eren was startled out of his rhythm by the harsh tolling of the clock in the corner. He screamed and his bright turquoise eyes flew open wide as he lurched out of the chair, violently crashing into the coffee table and knocking his mug to the ground. Hot tea covered the rug and broken bits of porcelain flew everywhere, making the floor a minefield that Eren couldn’t save himself from falling onto. He caught himself with his hands, hearing a sickening crunch that could have been a piece of the mug or his wrist. His right arm collapsed under him and he lurched sideways, cracking his head against the corner of the table.

Dazed but still brimming with adrenaline, Eren staggered onto his feet and propelled himself forward.  _I've got to escape. Someone help me I can't get out._

He made it two more clumsy, reeling steps before he tripped on the edge of the rug and careened forward. He didn't catch himself this time, and his head met the hardwood floor with an earsplitting  _thwack._ Everything went black just as he heard Mikasa begin to scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it was such a short chapter, but I really wanted to stress the importance of the diagnosis. Hope you enjoyed.


	2. Hospitals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren wakes up.  
> Twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha I bet you guys thought I had ditched this I am just kidding I am so SORRY THIS TOOK WAY TOO LONG TO UPDATE.  
> However, I do have good news. I am no longer swamped with projects and should therefore have more time to write!  
> Sorry If this chapter is shorter than you wanted. I tried.  
> Hope you enjoy (=

_“DAD! STOP!_

_DAD PLEASE NO!_

_DAD, DON’T DO THIS!!!_

_NOOOOOOOOO-”_

_Erens screams were cut off as a sonorous gunshot split the air. It ripped through Eren’s voice like it was paper, and echoed in his ears. It reverberated throughout his skull and made his teeth slam together violently._

_He felt hot blood splatter all over his face, and his knees gave out. He collapsed, the gunshot still wracking his bones. He could feel all of his molecules vibrating and slamming into each other. His form pulsated, expanding and snapping back in on itself like a deadly rubber band. He curled into a ball, trying to keep his atoms from ripping themselves apart._

_Despite his efforts, his body began to  unravel. His edges became blurred and he felt every part of him being torn painfully apart. He screamed and screamed as his form was pounded into static, and soon his shrieks merged together into high pitched white noise…_

_Softly, as if from a distance, he could hear a woman screaming his name. "Eren... Eren..."_

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Eren!”

Mikasa’s voice jolted her brother out of his nightmare. His eyes shot open and he clawed at the knots of thin white sheets surrounding him. His chest was heaving as he struggled to breathe, and a thick sheen of sweat coated his forehead.

He felt a hand clamp onto his wrist, and he swatted it away in a panic. He scrambled to the opposite edge of his twin size bed, before he realized it had been Mikasa. “Jesus, Eren. Calm the fuck down before you hyperventilate.”

She watched as Eren took in her face with wide eyes.  His body stayed tense and coiled, but his breathing visibly slowed once he had confirmed that she was not a threat. God, she hated to think that he could even consider her a threat. The way he refused to trust her, even though she had cared for him since they were nine. It was like watching a puppy that had been kicked too many times.

Mikasa sighed and sat back down in the hard plastic chair she had positioned at Eren’s bedside. Her brothers face registered confusion when he saw the unfamiliar furniture, and his breathing picked back up as his eyes flicked around the room at an unnatural speed. He took in his unfamiliar surroundings in less than a second, and MIkasa hurried to keep him from freaking out, “Eren, look at me. Eren, I need you to focus.”

Finally the boys eyes rested on her, filled with panic, and desperate for an explanation. She regarded him warily, considering the best way to explain, “Don’t freak out when I say this, but you’re in a hospita- EREN STOP!”

Her brother was already fighting to get up, ripping out the IV cords wrapped around his limbs violently. She grabbed his wrists and, to her surprise, was able to restrain him with ease. She had always been able to beat him when they wrestled as kids, but she would’ve thought he’d maybe gained some skills over the years.

Not that he would be able to use them in his current state. He was gasping for air as he fought feebly against her hold. His pupils had dilated and he had begun shaking violently, almost spasming. Mikasa noticed the ugly green hue his face had taken on just in time, and gave an exclamation of, “Aw, fuck!” as she moved with lightning-quick reflexes to position a bucket under Eren’s chin.

The bucket caught most of the vomit, only letting a few drops fall onto the sterilized sheets. Mikasa wasn’t even fazed. She had never really had a problem with guts or bodily fluids. She just placed the bucket to the side, still pinning Eren by the wrists.

Unfortunately, Eren hadn’t been fazed, either. He surged violently against her hold, panic still fogging his vision. She held him down with one hand and reached behind the bed to press the call button. Moments later, two nurses dashed in. Mikasa stepped aside as they rushed to restrain Eren, and winced slightly as they injected him with a sedative.

She looked straight into his eyes as they flicked around in panic until finally locking onto hers. Her throat tightened in dismay as she saw the drug take its affect almost instantaneously. His face slackened into a deceptively calm mask, and his body relaxed against his will, but his turquoise eyes still burned brightly, accusing her from behind half closed lids. Even as they dimmed and slid shut, Mikasa could see the hurt and betrayal her brother harbored towards her.

Shit. If he had been wary of her before, there was no way in hell he would ever trust her now.

She sighed and sunk back into her chair, ignoring the nurses bustling around Eren’s bed.  She let her head sink into her hands, and stared at the tile pattern at her feet, hating herself. She wasn’t sure what for, but in that moment, she detested herself.

She felt like she had failed, even though none of what had just happened could technically be considered her fault. No one could blame her for her brother’s problems, could they?

She gave a humorless chuckle under her breath. She knew all too well that they could.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This time, when Eren woke up, it was of his own accord.

At first, he didn’t open his eyes. He just lay there, letting his senses blindly take in his surroundings, one at a time. The first thing that hit him was the smell. The thick scent of antibacterial cleaners washed over him and assaulted his nose, almost making his eyes water.  Then he tightened his hands around stiff sheets, and he ran his fingertips over the course fabric. Finally, his ears perked at the sound of faint beeping somewhere to his left. He listened to the rhythmic sound, tapping along with his index finger.

 _That’s a funny beeping,_ he mused. _It almost sounds like…_

_A heart monitor!_

His eyes flew open, and he squinted as they were met with harsh white lights. The beeping intensified with his heart rate as he struggled into a sitting position.

He felt something shift against his forehead, and he reached up to touch it, only to find that he wasn’t able. He looked down and saw that his wrists were strapped tightly to the sides of his bed. This was also the case with his ankles. His whole body had been restrained with thick Velcro straps.

Black tinted the edges of his visions as he yanked against his binds. He scraped his wrists raw, twisting them against the rough straps. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see. _Help! Someone help! I have to get out!_

Suddenly he felt firm hands on his shoulders, pushing him back against the stiff mattress. He fought harder, jerking his entire body against the unexpected force, until he heard something through the ringing in his ears. _Mikasa?_

“Eren!” his sister called, “Eren stop! Eren nobody’s going to hurt you! EREN!”

He abruptly stopped struggling, letting his head slam back against the pillow. The mysterious hands finally released their hold on his shoulders, and he relaxed his taut frame. He took deep breaths to calm himself and squeezed his eyes shut. _Get it together, Eren._

After counting to 30 and back, he finally felt he was ready to open his eyes. He lifted his heavy lids slowly, letting his eyes adjust to the blinding light above him. He turned his head slightly to the left, searching out his sister. He found her, standing a few feet away, staring at him with a mix of fear and concern. Then again, wasn’t she always looking at him that way?

A sudden flash of movement off to his right caught his attention, and he whipped his head around. He immediately regretted the decision. A burst of pain exploded right behind his left ear, and he squinted against the flashes of white that clouded his vision.

When the pain subsided and he could see again, Eren took in the tall figure towering above his bedside, wearing a long white coat. His eyes went immediately to the man’s hair. It was golden, almost yellow, with a layer of darker hair visible underneath it. He wore it parted on the left, combed back from his face neatly, not a strand out of place. Almost military-style neat.

In fact, neatness seemed to be the theme of this man’s outfit. Under his lab coat, he wore a crisp blue shirt, tucked into black slacks. Italian-looking shoes adorned his feet, looking freshly polished.

Eren brought his gaze back up to rest on the figure’s face. A sharp jaw outlined a hard mouth and pointed nose, and light blue eyes were set just beneath- Jesus Christ, were eyebrows like that even allowed to exist? They looked like they were going to fly right off of his face, like little wings. How did the guy even see, they were so low in the middle. Had he ever even heard of tweezers? Or maybe a weed whacker? Eren wondered if there was anything living inside those eyeb-

“Hello there, Eren,” the boy’s thoughts were interrupted when the man spoke, giving him a kind smile that completely contradicted his hardened features, “It’s wonderful to see you’re finally awake. But you look quite uncomfortable. Can I trust you to control yourself if I take off your restraints?” Eren gave a small nod, and sighed with relief as his hands and feet were freed. 

After the man had finished removing Eren’s binds, he stood up and introduced himself. “I’m Dr. Erwin Smith, by the way. I’m the one who’se been overseeing your treatment while you were sleeping.”

Eren opened his mouth to respond, but all that came out was a strangled wheezing noise. After clearing his throat a few times, he managed to give a weak, “Hi.”

Erwin chuckled and handed the boy a cup of water from the bedside table. Eren accepted it gratefully and downed it in a few gulps, already reaching to pour himself more from a large plastic pitcher.

”That’s good. You should drink a lot. You’ve been out for about three days since you were brought in so-“

Eren almost choked mid-gulp. “Three days!?!?!” he exclaimed. That meant it was… Friday?

“Yes. You had cracked your head pretty badly when your therapist called, and we had to give you stitches. Luckily, though, we don’t believe you sustained any permanent damage, just a minor concussion. In fact, if you don’t have any more ‘episodes’, I’m considering releasing you tomorrow. But you will need to take it easy for a while.” Eren reached up to gently touch the bandage wrapped around his head, and winced. Yep, that was gonna hurt for a while.

“Um, excuse me,” Mikasa spoke from the other side of Eren’s bed, making him jump. He had completely forgotten she was there, “but will he be able to leave the house by next Monday? He has his first support group meeting, and I would hate for him to miss it.”

“Yes, that should be fine” Erwin replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should definitely bring Levi. And we all need some good Levi.


	3. First Meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren attends his first group therapy session, and stuff happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay there is really no excuse for how long this took but I have brought you Levi as an I'm sorry present, and a whole whopping 9 other characters are introduced, so there's that.
> 
> Enjoy <3

Eren had expected a small group. Mikasa had promised Eren a small group.

Mikasa had lied through her fucking teeth.

As Eren sat in his uncomfortable folding chair and observed the circle of people surrounding him, he counted not one, not two, but seven other people.

_This is not a small group. This is a cluster. A cluster of people almost as fucked up as me. This is a clusterfuck._

No. There was no way he would sit here and talk about his feelings with this suspicious group of strangers. If Mikasa thought she could trick him into some sort of ridiculous, heartfelt campfire thing, she was out of her freaking-

“Good morning, everybody!” Eren was just hauling himself out of his chair when he was interrupted by none other than his new therapist, who had finally decided to grace her patients with her presence.

She walked into the tiny room, waving her arms with a flourish as if she were walking onto a stage rather than into a small room at the Trost Community Center. She had a stupidly-excited smile plastered across her face. Eren sighed internally, lowering himself back into his cold metal seat.

 _God,_ he thought, _she’s a morning person. And a Monday morning person, at that. I can't take an hour of this if she's going to be this happy the whole time._

The woman waltzed right over to her chair, like she wasn’t already ten minutes late, and plopped down, taking in her eight patients. Some of the patients had met with her a few times prior to the meeting, but most of them were attending for their first time. Eren didn’t even remember her name.

That issue was solved shortly. Maintaining her dopey beam, the group leader introduced herself, “I'm Doctor Hanji, for those who didn’t already know, and I am looking forward to working with each of you in the coming weeks! I know we’re already running behind, so I’m just gonna jump straight into it.

“Hopefully, you all received my email that talked about all the boring stuff like my goals for the program and the meeting schedule and blah blah blah. If not, just talk to me after the meeting. Right now, I’m just going to skip the pleasantries and get into our first order of business.”

_Order of business? That sounds official. Is this how group therapy usually works?_

Hanji hesitated, seeming to rethink her wording. “Well, it’s not so much an ‘order of business’ as it is a group exercise. Our first group exercise, to be exact. I think all of you went to grade school, so you’re probably familiar with this one. We’re going to go around the circle, one at a time, and introduce ourselves.”

A collective sigh went up from the group. Of course they all knew this ‘exercise.’ They had only played it every freaking year they had been in school. Teachers always used it to make kids feel like they were making friends, even if they had none.

It was pointless and stupid, in Eren's opinion. Nobody remembered names unless they had a reason to, or something about the person made them stand out.

“Hold on a second,” Dr. Hanji continued. “I know that some of you think this is pointless and stupid, but I’m altering the game a bit. You are each here because you are being treated for PTSD, correct?”

 She was met with some reluctant nods and murmurs of assent.

“Well, this means that each of you have endured a unique, traumatic situation or environment. So, to better understand each other, I want everyone to introduce yourself by your name and a single word. Each person’s word will be a description or summary of their trauma. Just think of what happened to you, and choose whatever word pops into your head first.”

Eren’s heart sped up. The last thing he wanted to do was think about that night, after he had worked so hard to suppress it. He began fidgeting in his chair, thinking of any way to excuse himself. He glanced up and around the room, and realized that everyone else was having a similar reaction. Nobody seemed entirely ok with reliving their trauma, much less sharing it with a group of strangers.

Dr. Hanji sensed the growing tension, and rushed to reassure the group.

“I understand that most of you are reluctant, or even afraid to remember the past, but the first step in overcoming something is facing it. It’s only one word. One word that you feel best sums up your greatest trauma. We’ll start with you, Connie.”

The young man sitting next to Eren straightened up in his chair, clearing his throat nervously. “Um, hi, I guess? My name is Connie Springer and…umm…” He looked to Hanji, eyes questioning. She nodded encouragingly, gesturing for him to continue. “I guess my word would be… car crash.” He shrunk back down in his chair almost immediately, signaling for a burly blonde man on his right to go.

The man, who had already been sitting straight as a rod, took a deep breath before speaking curtly, “Reiner Braun. Soldier.”

He didn’t say anything else, so the tall girl next to him took this as the sign that it was her turn.

She wasted no time, following the previous man’s curt manner, “Ymir. Bears.”

Eren noted that it was a little odd that she hadn’t given a last name. She gave a slight shiver before nodding to a short blonde girl on her right.

This girl had an odd air about her. She emanated intimidation, but not rudeness, as she proceeded shortly, “Annie Leonhart. Gang.” That was all she offered. Her face didn’t change as she glanced to her right towards a much taller man.

He had dark brown hair, and offered a nervous smile as he spoke up, “Bertholdt Fubar. Collapse.”

 Eren quirked an eyebrow at the man’s odd choice of words, but he was distracted quickly as the next man spoke up.

This guy refused to meet anyone’s eyes, and kept his own trained on the floor as he spoke in barely more than a whisper, “Jean Kirschtein. Fire.”

The man looked up and realized everyone had leaned forward to hear him, and blushed slightly. He looked down quickly and nodded as an indicator for the girl next to him to go ahead.

She hesitated a moment, as if contemplating what word to burden with all of her emotions. After a moment, she seemed to come to a conclusion and introduced herself, “Sasha Braus. Starving.”

She leaned back into her chair, and Eren suddenly realized that he was the only one left to go.

He cleared his throat and glanced around the room nervously, training his gaze on anything but the other people in the room, “Um… Eren Jaeger. Uhhh…..” He trailed off, trying to think of a way to summarize everything he’d been suppressing for years. What was the most important word that came to mind…“I guess…” He was stalling, but then he thought of what Hanji had said. What word stood out the most? Out of everything he’d been through.

“Dad.” Yes. That word could sum up a good majority of the abundance of fear he had felt in his life.

He let out a deep sigh, and looked over to see Dr. Hanji smiling at him and nodding encouragingly, but not without sympathy. He quickly looked away, slightly embarrassed, and the woman turned to address the full circle.

“I know that was pretty stressful for some of you, and I want you to know that I am very proud of each and every of you. This is a huge first step on your road to healing your mental scars, and feeling more secure in the world around you. I am so excited that we all get to start off on our roads to recovery together.”

The rest of the meeting continued with the doctor elaborating on how proud and excited she was, and how she hoped that they would all try to get to know each other better, as they would all be working together to help one another in their recoveries.

By the end of the hour, she had convinced everyone to swap phone numbers and contact information, because she wanted this group to be more than just “psycho-trauma-acquaintance-buddy-things,” as she had so eloquently put it.

After multiple reminders to meet in the same room next week, the group was finally dismissed. While a few stayed to talk to Dr. Hanji or each other, Eren was the first one out the door, hurrying through the community center’s maze of hallways to reach the north exit.  He had parked in the lot that barely anybody used. It was a longer walk, but it also made it easier to avoid people.

The meeting hadn’t been nearly as bad as he’d thought, but it was still a little more human interaction than he cared to experience.

 _Maybe that will actually change before this is all said and done,_ he mused. The session had left him in an optimistic mood.

Unfortunately, he had forgotten how thinking optimistically usually turned out for him.

He had just turned the corner onto the long hallway that led to the exit, when he heard obnoxious laughter coming from a short distance away. He picked up his pace, trying to distance himself from what sounded like a boisterous group of men about his age. Loud noises made him nervous enough as it was, but his heart hammered dangerously when he added on the possibility of social interaction.

The door with the red exit sign above it was about twenty yards away, when Eren heard a distinct voice rise above the rest and shout, “Hey!”

His blood ran cold, but he refused to stop and turn around, and pretended he hadn’t heard anything. He prayed that whoever it was had not been addressing him, or would maybe just decide whatever they needed to say wasn’t worth it and let him go.

He was foolish for thinking he’d be so lucky.

“Hey you,” the man called out again. This time, Eren froze. “Yeah, you! I’m talkin’ to you!” Why did that voice sound so familiar? “Hey! Turn around, dude!” Eren couldn’t stop his feet from moving as he turned to face the mystery man. He regretted doing so the second he saw the men standing around him. The small group of five appeared to be on their way home from a basketball practice, or something. However, they’d taken a detour and were now standing only two yards from Eren.

Eren searched for the one who had called him, and was suddenly paralyzed in a mix of shock and terror. He recognized this man, and after a moment, he could tell that the guy recognized him as well.

Shit. Why did he have to recognize him?

The man’s face broke out into a creepy grin when he realized that he had been right. This guy was definitely Eren Jaeger.

“Well, I’ll be damned! Look who I found, boys,” the man drawled. “It’s our old pal, Jaeger!”

He watched in amusement as Eren’s eyes widened in fear. _Oh, yeah,_ he thought, _this is gonna be fun._

“We missed you, faggot!” One of the others chimed in shamelessly. Eren flinched as he was greeted with a chorus of similar insults and nicknames.

“Hey twitch!”

“Sup, spaz!”

“I thought you were dead by now, emo.” The leader of the group spoke up again. “You sure as hell shouldn’t be alive.” He walked straight up to Eren, leaning in close to his face, “Why’re you still alive, freak?” He whispered it so quietly the rest of his men had to lean forward to hear, and Eren shivered.

“Well maybe we could fix that for him,” a tall man at the back suggested.

The man in front of Eren smiled even wider at the idea. “Come on, now, boys. We’re in a community center, for Pete’s sake! Show some respect.” He paused, a slight gleam in his eye, “Still, we want to give our old pal a proper welcome back party. We may make a bit of a mess.”

Eren knew where this was going, and he needed to get out. Now.

He turned to go but something blunt smacked the back of his head. He didn’t even realize he’d been hit until he was on the ground.

The man who’d hit him swaggered up to stand right over him, “We came for basketball practice, but it looks like we’re gonna get some practice with the punchin’ bag too!”

Eren scrambled backwards, but was met with the hard surface of the wall. He was trapped.

Suddenly, everything around Eren changed. This was too familiar. He wasn’t in the community center anymore. He was behind his high school again. It had just been another school day, and it was ending like it usually did: With his daily pounding. He remembered this feeling all too well.

But that didn’t mean he was prepared for the swift kick that connected with his right side. Pain exploded in his abdomen, and he barely had time to cry out before the leader kicked him again. This time, he heard a rib crack, and he screamed, praying that someone would hear him and come to save him.

But his attacker was having none of that. “Boys, take him outside, would ya'? We don’t want anyone interrupting our little party.” Eren felt himself being yanked up off the floor and hauled to his feet. He went limp as they dragged him unceremoniously out to the parking lot. He winced as the harsh sunlight met his eyes.

They held him up so the his attacker would have a clear shot, and though he tried to keep himself curled up to protect his vital organs, the next strike found an opening anyway. A fist flew straight into his gut, and he opened his mouth in a silent scream as all of the air flew out of him.

He felt a hand clamp over his mouth, and hot breath on his ear as one of his holders whispered, “Nobody’s comin to help you, freak. We’re gonna leave you wishing we had killed you. You probably won’t even be able to pick yourself up off the ground. They’ll probably just sweep you up and take you away, like the trash you are.”

Eren’s eyes widened in panic. He wrenched his body violently, trying to shake off the large hands that bound him like iron bars. His vision darkened at the edges, and the man before him appeared to be in a tunnel, until he pulled back and let his fist fly straight into Eren’s nose, relishing in the satisfactory crunch it made. The boy screamed against the hand over his mouth, and tears brimmed in his turquoise eyes. 

His pain was met with a chorus of obnoxious laughter, and he felt his tears overflow and run down his cheeks. The others joined into the beating, and he let out choked sobs as multiple fists began connecting with his body simultaneously. He felt like he was in a meat tenderizer, and all that would be left of him was a bloody pulp.

He couldn’t breathe through his nose anymore, but the hand wasn’t being removed from his mouth. He saw spots dancing in his vision, like the afterimage of flashing lights. His eyelids suddenly felt ten times heavier, and he let them close, begging for sleep or death to take him away.

But he knew that wouldn’t be allowed. “Hey, guys! I think this dude’s tryin’ to fall asleep on us,” the leader shouted, “You can’t leave the party so early, Jaeger! Didn’t your mommy teach you any manners?” The whole group broke into another peal of laughter at that one.

But the jokester wasn’t finished. “Oh, wait! That’s right, I forgot. Your mommy’s dead!” The man gave the signal for his goons to let go, and Eren felt himself collapse onto the ground.

 He couldn’t even cry out anymore as the men began to kick him viciously.

 _Please,_ he begged, _Whoever’s out there. God or Buddha or whatever. Please just let me die. I just want to die._

And at that moment, he realized that he meant it. He would take death over salvation right now. Just to escape this pain. Because even if he lived, he would always be afraid. That couldn’t even really be called living.

In fact, he’d given up on living a long time ago. There was no real escape from his daily horrors, and no guarantee that this wouldn’t happen again.

No. Death was much easier. He welcomed death with open arms.

But maybe there was one last thing he could do, just to let his murderers know that it was his choice.

In one fleeting moment of determination, Eren looked up to the sky. He refused to make a sound, even as he heard more of his ribs crack. He would die peacefully. He wouldn’t let these bastards think that they had broken him.

Even as he let them take his life, kick by kick, he refused to give them the satisfaction of hearing his final words.

As his eyes slid shut for what he was sure was the last time, he used his final breath to whisper, “I’m sorry, Mom.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Levi was annoyed, to say the least.

“Stupid fucking doctor with her stupid fucking certifications is too much of an idiot to remember her goddamn keys,” he muttered to himself as he pulled into the north parking lot of Trost Community Center. This was the third time this month Hanji had called him to pick her up, because she had locked her fucking keys in her car.

”How in the hell can a woman who’s been through seven years of medical school be such a twit?” He wondered aloud as he pulled into a parking space. The lot was almost empty, and he was slightly confused before he remembered. Almost all of the meetings had been moved out of the northern rooms, due to a messed up AC unit or some shit.

So Hanji’s meeting would be at the other end of the building.

“Dammit,” Levi sighed as he stepped out of his car. There was no point in pulling around to another lot, as they would probably be full. Just more walking for him, he supposed.

He clicked a button on his keys and heard the cars locks click into place, and then made his way toward the large brick building where his idiot friend was waiting. However, he was distracted by a bustle of movement off to the left of the entrance.

He glanced over, and realized that there was a group of men huddled at the edge of the parking lot. They seemed to be surrounding something, and Levi watched as one of them kicked at it.

Almost against his will, Levi’s feet moved him towards the group.

It appeared to be about five tall guys in their mid-twenties. They were dressed and workout clothing and Levi assumed they had been using the gym. “Hey!” He called out and a few of the men turned to face him. They’re probably just talking about a sports practice or something, Levi assumed, nothing too suspicious.

At least, that was what he’d thought. Until he had stepped close enough to see what it was they were surrounding.

Levi was a tough man, and he’d seen his fair share of serious injuries, but he could not deny the lurch that his stomach gave at the sight before him. In the center of the circle, laying on his back in a tangle of limbs, was a young man. He couldn’t have been more than twenty three or twenty four, but it was hard to tell from the state he was in. Blood covered his face and matted in his hair, and his arms twisted away from him at odd angles.

Levi whirled on the group that now surrounded him. Rage clouded his mind, but his face remained stoic. “Care to explain what the fuck this is?” he asked with deadly calm.

One of the men, who Levi assumed was the leader, stepped forward. He looked Levi dead in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said, “Just some trash that needed taking care of. What’s it to ya’, shorty?”

Levi clenched his fists at his sides, but was unable to hold back his retort, “Well, thank you for trying to tidy up a bit. But I think you missed a spot.”

A brief look of confusion crossed the much taller man’s face, “Huh?”

It took less than half a second for Levi’s fist to connect with the goon’s nose, making his head snap back as he fell, right on his ass. The rest of his team just stared in shock, looking from the short man before them to their leader, who remained on the ground, slightly dazed.

One man, probably second in command, decided it was his turn to take over, and stepped up close to Levi, bending right down into his face, “You just made a big mistake, little man,” he growled menacingly.

Levi didn’t even flinch. He tilted his head, and it suddenly seemed that he was the one looking down. “No, you colossal buffoon, I believe it’s you who made the mistake. Now, step down before I need to take care of you like I did your precious leader.”

Levi saw rage flicker in his new opponent’s eyes, and smirked as the man threw a punch at his face. It was clumsy, and he caught it halfway to its destination, and twisted until he heard a few crunches and pops, followed by the man’s startled cry. The guy stumbled backwards, cradling his limp forearm to his chest.

Levi looked back up to meet each of the three remaining members’ eyes. “Anyone else care to try their luck?”

His question was met with multiple head shakes and a murmured chorus of, “hell no.”

“Good choice. Now, I want you to get as far from this place as your respective vehicles will take you. And if I ever see one of you shit-face’s again, I will personally see to it that you live the rest of your miserable life in your choice of a coma or a wheelchair. Capiche?”

The stupid band of cowards all nodded vigorously, and Levi had to hold back a smirk when he heard one of them actually say, “Yes, sir.”

As they all stumbled away to their cars, Levi remembered, he still had something else to take care of. A shiver ran up his spine as he turned around to inspect the bloody mess behind him.

His heart skipped a beat when he realized the extent of the damage that had been inflicted on the boy lying before him. At first glance, he had thought it was just a broken nose and a head injury. That would have been a less disturbing explanation for the abundance of blood he was covered in.

Upon closer examination, Levi realized that the boy’s left arm probably had multiple breaks, and his legs were twisted under him oddly. He looked like a ragdoll that had been dropped into a stampede.

Significant damage had been directed specifically at the young man’s head and torso, and his neck was twisted at an unnatural angle. Levi crouched down to get a better look at the kids face.

Behind the crushed nose and black eyes, he seemed to be rather handsome. He had thick eyebrows with a lot of thin wrinkles in between them, like he frowned a lot, and a hard set mouth. Even passed out, the dude looked like he was determined to get something done.

Levi decided he should probably check for a concussion before he called an ambulance. He pulled out his keychain, fumbling to find the miniature LED flashlight he had attached. He reached forward, carefully avoiding the more swollen part of the boy’s cheek, and lifted his eyelid.

Levi had to hold back a gasp. He had never seen eyes that color in his life. Blue mixed with green to make the perfect shade of coastal water that you saw on postcards from the Bahamas. However, very little of the irises could be seen around the boy’s gigantic pupils.

They were each blown to cover over two thirds of the boy’s iris, and when Levi passed the flashlight over them, they didn’t shrink.

“Fuck,” Levi muttered. They were supposed to dilate.

Why weren’t they responding?

Trying to remain calm, Levi moved his hands to the boy’s neck, checking for a pulse. Thinking back, he probably should have done that first, but whatever.

He pressed his fingers into the soft spot above the young man’s collar bone, trying to pick up the faintest rhythm.

.

.

.

Nothing.

He moved to the boy’s wrist, forcing himself to remain calm. He waited for a sign that the kid was still alive.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

_Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand cliffhanger. Sorry, not sorry <3  
> I know there are some OOC incidents, but I have my reasons, so just hold your horses.  
> Next chapter: There are more hospitals and tears, but a trip down memory lane into Erens crappy life. Yay. Can't wait.


	4. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some vague and terrible memories of Eren's past. And hospitals.  
> Yay hospitals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, guys wowowowoWOW.  
> THIS TOOK ME WAY TOO LONG.  
> LIKE. RIDICULOUSLY LONG.  
> I. AM. SO. SORRY.  
> Anywayssssss, yeah. Sorry. Now... I guess let's pick it up where we left off and keep on rollin'  
> Here is chapter four. 
> 
> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧
> 
> Enjoy, my pretties!

When one falls in love, there is little else that person can think about for a long time. They may find themselves snapping out of deep thoughts and day dreams more often than they used to. Except the difference is that they are now thinking and dreaming of their lover.

When you fall in love with someone, they become a constant setting in the back of your mind. Now, this isn’t meaning that you can think of absolutely _nothing_ else, or you lose your ability to function. It simply means that they become a fixture in your life, and a very distracting one, at that. Like a centerpiece in your dining room table. You find your mind being drawn to them easily, and you enjoy admiring them and contemplating their place in your life rather than thinking of much else.

However, when you lose the one you love, things become very different. When someone is taken from you before you feel it is right, thoughts and memories of that person can easily consume your mind. When it is someone you love, they can consume your entire being. Sometimes, when you lose the person you love, you can forget how to be a person yourself.

Other times, you lose the desire to be a person altogether.

When this desire is gone, when you lose your most basic drive to live, you become unrecognizable to the people around you. Nothing remains of the person you were, almost as if your lover took you with them when they left. You wonder who you are, and where to go. You find yourself standing alone and confused about what you were doing a moment ago a lot more often than you used to. But the difference now is that no one ever comes to guide you in the right direction. So you remain, confused, and nervous, and irritated, and scared, and alone.

Sometimes, though, as in the case of Eren Jaeger, your mind cannot cope with the fact that they are gone. That the one he loves is gone, and will not be coming back. So, his mind develops a new way to handle the loss of a loved one.

He forgets.

He forgets everything about them. Their smile, their laugh, their eyes, their hair, and eventually, even their name. He blocks all of his memories of the one he loves from his mind, because if he leaves them there, they will unravel him.

You can’t lose something you never had.

However, despite what Eren thinks, there is no way to completely delete something from your mind. What he has done is taken everything he wants to erase, and stored it. Like a file in his brain, of the things he wished he had never seen. Because it’s easier that way. Because that is the only way he can ever hope to survive.

But what Eren doesn’t realize, is that surviving is not enough. In order to _live,_ one must have something to live _for._ What he doesn’t realize, is that despite the pain that his memories will bring him, they also make him who he is. What he is doing is allowing his fears to consume him, rather than mold him. He is letting his unwillingness to face the past limit him from being everything he could be.

And the main thing that Eren doesn’t realize is that his coping method isn’t working anymore. Because lately, it has become harder for him to forget. Sometimes, he even finds himself remembering.

More often than ever before, Eren has flashes. These flashes come to him like something you see through the window of a passing train, here one moment and gone the next. Typically, they are an image or part of the person he loved. Sometimes he sees the shimmer of golden hair, or the sparkle of blue eyes. Sometimes, Eren can hear his lovers laugh, tinkling like bells, but soon swept away by the wind. Each flash leaves him reeling, and unable to breathe.

He’s scared. Scared that if he remembers too much, the memories will lose their meaning. He has to cherish and preserve each memory, because he doesn’t deserve to have them at all. He doesn’t deserve to see his lover ever again, because he’s the one who lost him in the first place. He’s the one who made the mistake, and this is his self-inflicted punishment. Because it was his fault. Because he was too weak. He has to block the memories, for his lover’s sake.

But really, who is he kidding. Eren knows why he really blocks the memories, and it’s completely selfish. He may be able to hide from the past for a while, but there’s no way to hide from the crushing waves of guilt that hit him whenever he sees a flash of his lover. Because it’s his fault. All of it is his fault, and he can’t take it back. And he knows he can’t take it back but he can’t stop regretting, even though he knows damn well that regret won’t bring the one he loved back. For now, though, this is all he can do to pay back his debt. Punish himself, and try to survive, even though he knows he can never be forgiven.

Sometimes, Eren just has to laugh at himself. At his utter lack of worth.

_What would he think… If he saw me this way. I wonder, would he laugh at how pathetic I am? Or would he scream at me… for what I did… Because.._

_Yeah…. He would definitely  be mad… How could he not?_

_Because it’s my… fault…_

_Everything was my fault…. I might as well have put._

_The goddamn._

_Bullet._

_In his chest._

A gasp shudders out of Eren’s chest. It comes rushing back.

_No._

That night. It was dark. There was a thunderstorm outside.

_Please no I don’t want to remember._

Eren was home alone. He was scared. He’d called and invited him over. His lover.

_Please leave me alone._

He’d been so happy to see him.

_I know it’s my fault._

He’d smiled from ear to ear, and given him a gentle kiss

_Please._

They had candles burning.

_Im sorry._

But someone walked in.

_Please I DON’T WANT TO REMEMBER._

He was so angry. He was screaming.

_NO PLEASE IT HURTS._

He kept yelling at them. He called Eren a faggot, and grabbed him by the wrist.

_IM BEGGING YOU. PLEASE STOP REMEMBERING._

His hands were like iron cuffs.

_I SAID I WAS SORRY._

He threw him against the wall. Hard.

_PLEASE._

Everything had gone blurry.

_DON’T MAKE ME WATCH._

Eren couldn’t move. But he could see.

_NO._

The attacker turned. He was yelling at the other one now. The one Eren loved.

_STOP IT._

He said it was his fault. He said he was the devil.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP.

He was pulling something off of the wall.

_I CAN’T BREATHE. I CAN’T._

He loaded it.

_I_

He cocked the rifle.

_DON’T_

He aimed.

_WANT_

Straight at the chest.

_TO_

Of the one he loved.

_REMEMBER_

Of the one Eren loved.

_DAD NO._

Eren was screaming now.

_DAD DON’T DO THIS._

_PLEASE DON’T SHOOT HIM.._

_DAD PLEASE_

_DON’T_

_SHOOT-_

”AAAAAAGGGHHGHGHHG!!!”

Eren lurched in his sheets, twisting himself into a sitting position. His eyes flew open and he whipped his head around, but he couldn’t see anything. _Why couldn’t he see anything?_

There were black spots dancing in his vision, and his throat was closing up. Where was he? Why was someone screaming? Was that him? How was he screaming if he couldn’t breathe? But wait. Now someone else was screaming.

“Oh my God! Eren,  oh my god. Stop screaming. You’re using all your air. Stop. PLEASE STOP.”

But I have to save him. I have to get someone. He’s bleeding out. I can’t stop screaming or he’ll fall asleep. Please. PLEASE. SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE. PLEASE, HE’S DYING.

“EREN. HE’S GONE. HE’S GONE, EREN, YOU CAN’T SAVE HIM. EREN PLEASE STOP SCREAMING. EREN YOU’LL HYPERVENTILATE.”

Who cares if I die? He’s all that matters. I don’t care what happens to me as long as I SAVE HIM.

“EREN PLEASE.”

Suddenly, Eren was aware of thin, firm arms around his chest, pinning his own arms to his side. Who was that? He couldn’t move, still couldn’t breathe. This was worse. So much worse. He tried to escape the band of muscle around his torso, but it wasn’t budging. But that only made him try harder, until his head felt really light, and the bed underneath him was spinning like a top, and the black spots were growing, and soon he would go blind.

But then he heard something, and stilled his thrashing instantaneously, frozen, like he’d looked into the eyes of Medusa. He listened harder to the noise quietly filtering through his mental haze. Someone was singing. And it was beautiful.

_“Half of what I say is meaningless”_

The feminine voice rang clearly through the fog around his brain.

_“… just to reach you, Julia. Julia, Julia. Ocean child, calls me.”_

Who was that?

_“…I sing a song of love, Julia.”_

Eren’s gasping slowed, along with his heart.

_“… seashell eyes, windy smile, calls me…”_

His muscles were slowly relaxing, and he felt his throat opening. He gulped down a long, slow breath, and let it shudder out as tears began to flow down his cheeks.

_“… Julia”_

The beautiful voice slowly faded out, and Eren could see again. He looked down through his tears to see who was holding him, and his watery gaze was met with gentle blue eyes. A young, blonde nurse was sitting on the side of his bed, looking up at him with a worried expression on her rounded face. They stared at each other for a moment, until the small woman seemed to realize what she was doing. She blushed slightly and let go of Eren, hurrying to stand up by the side of the bed.

A hospital bed. Eren was a hospital. Again. Fantastic.

“Are you okay, now?” the woman asked him.

Eren could only nod slightly. What the fuck had just happened?

He heard someone clear their throat on the other side of the bed, and he whipped his head around, only to find Mikasa, standing tensely, looking at him with a maternal worry in her eyes.

This felt really familiar.

He watched as Mikasa walked around the bed to join the nurse at the door, and wiped at his tears while the two women weren’t looking.

“Would you like me to get Dr. Smith, now that he’s woken up?” the blonde glanced at Eren and then back to Mikasa.

“Yes, please, that would be great. And that was amazing. Thank you so much, nurse…?”

The woman smiled warmly, “Christa. And it’s no problem; I’m just here to help. The doctor will be in in a moment.”

Mikasa returned the kind lady’s smile and shook her hand as she walked out the door. However, when she turned to face Eren, her eyes were brimming with tears.

“What’s wrong, Mikasa?” Oh, god. Was that his voice? It sounded like his throat had been through a meat grinder.

Mikasa sighed as she lowered herself into a plastic chair at his bedside. “Nothing, that just scared me. A lot.” She cleared her throat again and changed the subject, “Eren, can you remember why you’re here?” she asked him quietly.

“Um….. I’m sorry, not really.” He really couldn’t, despite how much he racked his brain. How had he even gotten here? The last thing he could remember happening was…

“Oh, yeah. How did the group therapy thing go?”

Mikasa  let out a small whimper and covered her mouth with her hand as a few of her unshed tears overflowed onto her cheeks. She stayed that way for a few moments, until finally removing her hand and taking a shaky breath. “I don’t know, Eren. I really don’t. I was hoping you could tell me. I just saw you walking into the community center and the next thing I know, I get a call from Dr. Smith saying you’ve been beaten within an inch of your life.” Her voice caught when she said ‘beaten,’ but she went on anyways, “What the hell happened?”

_Beaten?_

That’s when Eren looked down, and gasped. His body looked like it had been thrown off a building. His left arm was covered from hand to shoulder in a thick, heavy cast, as well as his entire right leg. His left leg, which had escaped the sheets in the midst of his fit, was covered in the ugly yellow-green marks of healing bruises. In fact, now that Mikasa mentioned it, his whole body ached like he had been hit by a bus, and there was an incessant, painful pulsing at the back of his head. What the hell _had_ happened?

“I don’t… remember…” Eren was at a loss for words, so he just leaned back, letting his head rest almost-comfortably against the pillow behind him.

Mikasa just shook her head sadly and said, “That’s ok, you don’t have to. We’ll figure out who did this.” Then her gaze hardened as continued to say, “And when I find them, I swear to god, I will rip their-”

Just then the door opened, and in walked Dr. Smith, toting a doctor’s clipboard with a notebook attached. He smiled kindly as he walked up to stand next to the siblings, looking from one to the other before he greeted Eren.

“It seems we meet again, though I really wish it had been under different circumstances.”

Eren let a small grin pass his face before replying, “Me too, sir. I feel like I just lost a fight with a semi.”

Erwin chuckled, “Yes, I imagine you’re in a great deal of pain, but I’m sorry to say I cannot administer pain medications before we do a few more head checks.” A look of concern crossed the man’s features as he went on, “Nurse Christa said you just had a severe panic attack upon waking up, which could have jarred your head a bit and worsened a possible concussion. Can you recall what may have triggered it?”

Mikasa cut in softly, “Um, excuse e Dr. Smith, but I think he may have been having a nightmare.” The doctor looked down at her curiously.

“What makes you think that, Mikasa?”

“Well… um… When he… when he woke up, he was screaming really loudly, and a lot of it was incomprehensible, but… I think I heard… Well I might have heard him say… a name.” Mikasa fidgeted in her chair uncomfortably. It was confusing for Eren to see her so unsure of herself. She was usually quite confident.

“And what name might that be, Mikasa?” Dr. Smith urged her on.

“He said… well he might have said… I mean he hasn’t said it in years, but…” Mikasa sighed like she was frustrated with herself, and put on a stony expression, like she was steeling herself to continue, “I think he said the name of his late boyfriend, whom he saw murdered six years ago, sir.”

Eren sat, dumbfounded, while Dr. Smith just shook his head solemnly as he took a pen from his breast pocket and wrote something down in his notebook.

_What?_

Mikasa glanced at Eren nervously, like he might explode, before training her eyes on the ground at her feet.

_What!?_

“Eren,” Dr. Smith looked at the young man as he began to shake.

“WHAT!?” Eren shouted and then slapped his hand over his mouth as his eyes widened. He hadn’t meant for that to be out loud. He set his hand down slowly and cleared his throat before trying to respond again, “I mean… yes, sir?” _Calm down. Calm down. Breathe. It’s ok. Breathe. Relax. Okay. Breathe. You’re good. Just keep breathing._

Dr. Smith eyed him warily before continuing his question, “Do you remember what you were dreaming about before you woke up? Or what you said during your attack?”

 _Breathe._ “Um………” _Remember._ “Yes, sir… I think… I think I was remembering………. That night.”

Dr. Smith nodded knowingly. He’d already read over all the reports, and knew very well what had happened six years ago to young Eren Jaeger. “And do you remember the name? Of the young man you saw murdered?”

Eren shuddered. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t remember… He didn’t want to.

But he already had. He just needed to say it.

“Yes, sir…”

_Just say it._

“His name was…”

_Go ahead, coward._

”Well, is…”

_I dare you._

Eren swallowed hard and clutched his sheets.

_Say his NAME._

He let out a final sigh.

And jumped.

 

“Armin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so yeah, that happened. And I feel I have finally found a direction to go with this fic so hopefully I wont take any more unannounced *cough* three-month *cough* hiatus'.  
> Once again. Really sorry about that, for anyone who read the cliffhanger chapter and had to wait. That was not cool of me, bros, and it will not happen again.   
> Btw the song that Christa sang was Julia, by John Lennon. It's a lovely song and i suggest you look it up.  
> Anyways, if ya' ever wanna hit me up, here's my tumblr:
> 
> akkumasama.tumblr.com
> 
> And I'll be tracking the tag:
> 
> fic: scar tissue
> 
> But i mean.... only if ya' wanna post stuff.....*hides behind keyboard*  
> OKSORRYBYE

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.  
>  This work is un-beta'd, so please, please, PLEASE point out any errors! Hope you guys liked it.


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